#genuinely really worried i won't be able to go to one of my exams

[camellia-thea]

stress

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[1nv1s1bl3-r41ndr0p5]

vent under cut

[topics of exams, school refusal, panic attacks, sh, mental health, sensory issues, emetophobia and sui]

I'm really freaking out about exams. I haven't been able to eat properly for the past few days because it makes me feel sick due to how anxious I am. I've spent all day stress-cleaning because I know ill have a breakdown coming home tomorrow if it's still messy. I hate talking to others about how stressed I get because I always get the response "oh yeah I get really stressed too" but I know for a fact I get more stressed and worked up than them. I physically cannot stand the exam halls anymore. my mocks last year left me traumatised- the lights were loud and bright, I was sad amongst everyone, and my mental health got so bad during them to the point that I had one of my worst relapses and I attempted 7 times in the space of 2 and a bit weeks. I cant do that again. I've already been sent to hospital 4 times this school year and I'm in counselling again I really can't go back. I hate the hospital. I hate being treated like a child just because the thoughts in my head get too much. I dont know what to do because my friends always compare themselves to me and say "omg your grades are so high you don't need to worry" but I do. I do worry because I've worked so fucking hard to get my grades to this point and if I don't do well I will disappoint everyone around me. I will be a failure to myself and everyone else. I'm not coping and I won't be able to cope. I cant do this. I really can't. the school refusal is bad enough as it is at the moment, I'm being forced into school and ik if I can keep going. I dont want to be there. I cant be there. it's too much. and they put so much pressure on me to do well and I just can't do it. I had a breakdown in my RECORDED speaking exam and I had meltdowns in both my maths exam and English exam a few weeks ago. I dont know if I have the mental or physical energy to put up with the breakdowns and the exams at the same time. a girl in my geography class had a really bad panic attack on thursday and it made me realise that that's how people talk about me when I have a panic attack. the death stares I gave my classmates were immeasurable because I realised that I get treated that way, without them knowing what's going on. they treated this poor girl that way, gossiping and staring as she tried to walk to the door but fell over because she was shaking too much. thank everything my godsend of a geography teacher was there. she is so bloody kind and I genuinely teared up seeing how gentle she was with the girl. I understand the panic she's feeling. I cant do these exams. other people I know have been saying how stressed they are but they don't get it. why can't I be the "worst" without someone competing with me for once. I'm not a comparison, I'm a person who's struggling to stay alive and cope with the debilitating stress and anxiety. I just want a hug but I don't doubt that I'll be ignored again, like usual. I fucking hate my life. I wish I was dead.

[scribblestatic]

Man, I am really on the roll with this lil chubby hamster-like green boy

(the tw for fat shaming should really just kinda get stapled to this au in general, but don't worry, Izuku shows out regardless)

(also, kirishima incoming! this isn't a bad thing, he's just being one of the goodest boys)

Because it takes a 40 minute ride on the subway to get to U.A., Izuku gets up and prepares for school extra early in the morning. Although he's never quite learned how to tie a proper tie, when he looks at himself in U.A.'s uniform, he immediately feels more accomplished. Like he's a better person than he actually is.

Nicely dressed up, he heads to the front door as his mom keeps calling out things he possibly forgot. When she finally stops after his confirmations, she smiles at him in a way he hasn't seen in a while.

"You look so cool right now, Izuku!" she says, tears running down her smiling face.

"Thank you..." He smiles back, balling up a fist in a lighthearted cheer, pumping it in the air softly. "I'll go give it my all."

"Of course, dear!"

She waves goodbye to him, and he heads out. He's hoping he gets there extra early. He's seen how people get when they have questions about something new or exciting. He's almost sure the school will be swarmed by reporters in a few hours...

Scratch that. They're already swarmed.

Several cars are parked along the street, and a crowd of people with microphones and cameras try to interview students before they enter U.A.'s virtually impassable barrier. Some students walk past them, excusing themselves as they enter. Others, caught up by the idea of being on TV, end up stopping and answering questions.

Izuku, already anxious and put off by the noise, ducks his head and tries to make his way through without anyone shoving a microphone in his face. He's a rather plain person, so they likely won't ask him for any opinions...

And then, he gets a mic shoved in his face, startling him.

"You there, you're a hero course student, right?" The woman asks, her eyes bright. She clearly knows the stripe and button code on U.A. uniforms. "How do you feel knowing you could have a quirkless person in your class?"

"Uhm..." He looks toward the door, and decides to do something All Might would do. He gives the woman a wobbly smile. "S-Sorry, don't want to be late."

She seems to outright ignore this, pushing further. "Do you think a quirkless student deserves to be in the hero course?"

Izuku clenches his hands on his bag, trying to keep his smile up.

"I have to go..."

"Do you think a quirkless person can become a hero?"

He really shouldn't answer. Reporters could smell weakness, and they'd keep asking him more if he answers. And yet...

If there isn't a single other person walking in who agrees with him, he at least wants there to be one.

"Uhm..." Though it's wavering, he keeps it up. "...Yes."

When she opens her mouth, he turns and bows to her.

"I...I uhm...don't want to answer anymore questions. Thank you."

Then, he turns and scurries away, nervousness practically emanating off of him. She calls out after him, but he keeps going, not stopping until he's inside the school.

Because he fled, he doesn't hear the answer from a red-headed student with spikey hair.

"As far as I know, he took the same exam as everyone else, right? So, if he got the points, then I feel like that's answer enough." The boy, Eijirou, curls his hands into fists and grins with his sharp teeth. "Being quirkless but being able to power through a test people with quirks can't... That's super manly, isn't it?!"

"Ah...I suppose that could be the case. But what if this person was accepted through covert connections?"

"Eh? What're you talking about?"

"Well..."

But the genuinely confused look on the boy's face made the interviewer decide not to expand on his assertion.

"...Never mind. You have a good day at school."

"Hehe, thanks!"

He waves at the camera crew before trotting off, eager to get started in school. Similarly, a girl with pink hair also gets questioned, and her answers are similar.

"I mean, the practical was pretty tough! I don't really care if they're quirkless or not. They got through that fight, so I'm excited to have them!"

Of course, others, especially some in the general education classes, who didn't have enough points to pass but got enough otherwise to get in, had different opinions. A few didn't say them out loud, but others complained with gusto before entering school grounds.

"I'll find a way to the hero course despite this setback. Just watch me!"

"I'm sure they'll drop out sooner or later."

"The weak will show themselves as weak whether they want to or not."

Fewer and fewer students stopped to ask questions the later it got, school getting ready to start. Eventually, they rushed past the cameras, heading inside quickly. Then, before they could follow in, the press were locked out by the U.A. Barrier.

Whatever. They'd gathered enough intel for the time being. It was time to compile it into something good instead.

--- --- ---

When Izuku entered the classroom, a few kids were already there.

One was a very pretty girl with black hair, bangs split to the side. Another was a boy with many arms and a mask covering the lower half of his face. If he recalls, he thinks he saw someone like that during the exam, but he's not completely sure.

He nods at everyone politely before scurrying to the back of the room, taking a seat in the corner. There's a boy back there with a scar on his face and hair split white and red on each side. He doesn't really look up, but Izuku bows slightly in greeting before he settles in his seat.

As more people file in, some start greeting the others more earnestly, talking and getting to know each other. It seems some of them already went to school together, like a pink girl and red-headed by do as they cheer at being in the same class.

How nice... However, Izuku hopes he won't have a similar experience. His last talk with Kacchan really didn't go very well, though he barely said anything himself. There was also that buff, speedy guy he'd like to avoid as much as possible.

Then, as if to spit in his face, Kacchan slides the door open with a slam.

Izuku startles before quickly hiding behind a school book. He really, really hopes he'll just ignore him. Maybe act like he isn't there? If the book is large enough, then maybe Kacchan won't notice him?

He waits anxiously for the book to get ripped out of his hands...but it doesn't happen. Instead, he hears the slide of a seat and the sound of something smacking a desk. When he manages to peek from behind his book, he sees Kacchan sitting at a desk near the front, his leg kicked up on its surface.

Izuku sighs anxiously. Perhaps he really didn't see him. But he does feel eyes on him.

He glances to the side. The somewhat icy person with the split hair is staring at him. But he just looks away a moment later

Okay. Right. Kacchan's in his class. Fine. He could work with that. Just as long as it doesn't get any wor--

The buff speedy guy with glasses enters, sliding the door open robotically before announcing loudly, "Good morning, fellow classmates!"

Izuku sinks right back behind his book.

His chest burns so fervently, he wonders if he forgot to take his carbimazole before he left the house. But he's pretty sure he did. He has a phone alarm to remind him when to take it, so surely it's just his nerves.

But daggom it. He really wishes something would be a bit easier in his life for once. He knows it likely won't happen, and perhaps wishing for it only makes things worse. but if he gives up, he'll just be in despair.

"Hey, what are you doing with your foot on the desk?"

"Haah? What's it to you, four-eyes?"

"You shouldn't put your shoes on any desktop! What if this doesn't end up being your seat? Don't you think this is disrespectful to your classmates?"

"No. As a matter of fact, I sure don't. Which school are ya from anyway, you two-bit extra?!"

Izuku closes his eyes quietly and wishes the day would end already.

He stays hidden behind his book until a tired voice speaks up.

"If you're gonna be this much of a disturbance on your first day, go ahead and drop out of my class."

When silence follows, Izuku finally peeks out again. He sees a scraggly man stand up from the ground, entirely cocooned in a yellow sleeping bag. He continues talking, unzipping himself from the inside.

"Hmmh...took you 8 seconds to quiet down..."

But seeing him... Black hair. Black outfit. And that pale thing around his neck...a...he's seen it before.

Wait.

A capture weapon?

Isn't this...!!

Izuku trembles excitedly. This guy's a teacher, so he clearly has to be a pro hero. If that's the case, there's only one pro Izuku knows who wears all black to conceal himself in the darkness better! If he has those yellow goggles hidden under the capture weapon, then for sure!

It'll be Eraser Head!

Isn't this perfect? Eraser Head is one of his favorite heroes! He does a lot of underground work and helps keep the public safe without immense publicity! Moreover, his quirk isn't the physical type, so when he fights, it's all raw power! While Eraser Head's quirk is powerful, it doesn't work on everyone, so he makes up for it with physical prowess and tactical might.

In other words, Eraser Head is one of the closest pro heroes to being quirkless! If he learns under him, for sure, he'll be able to be a hero in no time!

Izuku decides then and there that, no matter what, he'll do his best to listen to and obey his homeroom teacher.

So, when he pulls out a plastic wrapped school gym uniform and tells everyone to get ready, despite the fact there's an entrance ceremony and guidance counselor meeting he was supposedly going to, he doesn't doubt that this is for the greater good.

The kids all start heading out, pulling their PE uniforms from their bags and excitedly heading to the locker rooms. Izuku follows once most of them have left, Eraser Head standing tiredly at the doorway. Seeing him up close like this...it puts Izuku in a state of awe, to the point he doesn't realize he's staring.

"...Oi."

Izuku startles, snapping out of his replay of what he remembers about the underground hero. Eraser Head is staring down at him with a slight glare.

"Get going."

"Uhm-y-y-yes!"

Izuku bows quickly and scurries to get through the door. Still, he pauses and turns back around.

"U-Uhm..."

"Hmm?"

There's a hint of frustration there, so he won't be long. Izuku's eyes shut tightly as he lets out what he wanted to say.

"I-I'm a really big fan, E-E-Eraser Head! I...I look forward to you teaching me!"

He finally rushes off, holding his PE uniform tightly in his hands. Aaa, he said it! He greeted a pro hero! His teacher! His teacher! Izuku kind of wants to squeak and bounce on his feet from how excited he is!

Meanwhile, Eraser Head, Aizawa Shouta, watches as the kid rushes off to the boy's locker room. His eyebrows are slightly raised up.

It's not often he gets recognized. His other students didn't seem to give any inclination they knew who he was, though they'd eventually find out. But that kid knew immediately.

Given, he knew who he was, too. Apparently, the principal purposefully put him in his class. Something about combat prowess.

...He had a few thoughts about him. But that wasn't for now. He'd see how the kid would do after his test.

--- --- ---

Izuku decided to change in the bathroom. He had often gotten weird and degrading looks from other students when he changed in front of them. Sometimes, they'd even poke and pinch at his skin, calling him all kinds of names as they did. So, ever since elementary school, he started changing in different rooms to stay away from the others.

After putting on a thin long-sleeved shirt, he put on his uniform, then went to follow the back of the group heading to the PE grounds. Another boy, taller than him with a large but fit build, notices him and waves at him anxiously. Izuku waves back, finding comradery in not drawing much attention to themselves.

They stay toward the back quietly as Eraser Head announces that they'll be doing physical tests to evaluate their abilities while using their quirks. Of course, Izuku freezes up at that.

Agh...there's no way any of his results will be that good. After all, he's quirkless. The others can surely make their results much stronger than his.

Izuku watches as Kacchan's given a ball to throw. Unlike in middle school, they can use their quirks here. So, with a loud "DIE!!" he sends his ball flying through the air, landing far off. While he would usually be able to throw it 67 meters, it now reaches a whopping 705.2 meters!

How amazing! Of course Kacchan's that strong.

As he turns and walks back to the crowd, he looks up, eyes lighting up in recognition as their gazes lock. Immediately, Izuku clams up, bowing his head and looking away restlessly. Still, through his bangs, he can see the snide grin on Kacchan's face.

That grin only grows when Eraser Head announces in annoyance at the jolly cheering that anyone who got last would be immediately expelled.

Ah...maybe he spoke too soon when he said he was looking forward to Eraser Head teaching him. If he came last, it would all be over. How terrible...

Izuku put his hands on his cheeks and shook, trying to motivate himself.

Then, he just has to push himself and do his best. If he fails, then that's his own fault. If he succeeds, he'll be overjoyed.

[pins-junkyard]

This is shit.

PS4 is frying, now I gotta go try save photos and medias other than game save datas. I'm HELLA worried about photos and videos, I genuinely care about those and my partner doesn't get why.

(cutting up so you won't have to scroll past a papyr if you're not interested)

Now I'm formatting the external drive setting it as external memory like an USB so I can put the stuff there but god it's taking so so long. It's been going for almost 12 hours now and this just worries me. Especially if out of the blue power cuts out mid process while I'm away.

Goddammit.

The good part is my partner is super duper fucking chadawesome and told me "I don't even use my PS5 anymore... Xmas gift completed"

Good thing amok all this shit that really punched my mental guts: I'll be able to play Marvel Rivals and Helldivers 2 with him from later on yayyyy

As soon as I'll have work money I'll buy my sis a new PS4 or send fixing this current one.

I WILL get her a ps when she'll do her final exam in June. This is the plan. This is a promise.

[letterstooldpeople]

to Christopher--2024/07/17

Hi Christopher,

There is so much I want you to know, but I don't want to talk to you because I'm a coward.

Just writing this puts pressure in my eyes, even though you'll probably never see it, unless I die in a freak accident that is posted all over the local news and some tumblr troopers do internet sleuthing and find this. But here is all the news I have for you.

To be honest, I thought I was getting over you, because even though you did pop up in my thoughts now and then, I wasn't really inclined to write them out in these letters and work on processing my feelings, i.e., the feelings I have for you are not as strong any more.

I remember last time you told me about how you were sad that you and Irish don't talk anymore. And I thought about reaching out. But then, I remembered that time where we sat in your dark car after getting Cuban sandwiches in SODO and you told me how Aimee had reached out to you, but that you had just ignored her. I imagined that if I had reached out, you'd be with Kitana, sitting in your new tan car, telling her how I had reached out but that you weren't interested in responding back to me.

Sometimes, when I go to Bellevue with my friends, I'm worried that I might bump into you. I don't know what I'd do.

When Suraj and I accidentally bumped into each other at SBP shortly after we ended things, true to my cowardly nature, I pretended not to see him, so he did the same.

I know that if you saw me, you'd say "hi" and wouldn't let me off the hook in pretending not to know you. The possibility of this situation gives me anxiety. I do want to be acknowledged by you. But, I feel like if you did, I would spontaneously start crying and embarrass myself.

I saw on LinkedIn that you got a new role at your company. I guess you passed that first CFA test. Congratulations, Christopher! I know you tried really hard on studying for that exam. You're one step closer to your dream job of managing larger portfolios at Blackrock. I'm so, so proud of you.

I did see that you updated your Instagram profile picture to one of you and her. The way it happened was that I had accidentally given myself food poisoning on July 2nd. I ate a couple TUMS you had bought me a while ago. To distract myself from vomiting and stomach pain, I downloaded Instagram to see if any of my friends had been up to anything new. When I saw you with Kitana, I felt really pathetic: here I was, alone, vomiting the mid broccoli beef I had made yesterday, and there you were, both of you looking really good. I guess you've really moved on. So in addition to vomiting, I started crying--isn't that hilarious?

The next day, I talked to my friend about it and felt better afterward, but then I woke up to your text the next day saying "I hope you've been doing well."

I genuinely wondered if you were just drunk/lonely/horny because Kitana had gone back home for the holiday. In my defense, you did text me at 2AM on a nonwork night.

One thing I learned from you is that someone would actually want to hang out with me just because I am me. I don't think I've experienced that before.

In our last Facetime together, I refused to say good bye. But, I think now is the time. In one of my birthday cards to you, I lamented how it seemed like we never had enough time to enjoy each other's company. To think that that limited time is now over! I guess it's time to delete all my pictures of you and unfollow you on Instagram and delete your contact on my phone.

At this point, sometimes I wish that we hadn't happened, because at this point you've become a stranger to me, and the cognitive dissonance of knowing you so well and not knowing you at all is killing me. But I think I'm getting over it, slowly but surely.

Maybe, even if we end up in the same room in the future, you won't be able to recognize me because I will have changed a lot too. Maybe we will just pass each other without noticing each other's presence. We will have reverted back to strangers once more with only our memories of our 26-year-old selves to cherish.

Even if I don't text you back, I hope you understand that I do care about you, Christopher. I hope you forgive my cowardice. And I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

You are a goose. But, I love you still.

With lots of love, goodbye, Christopher.

[djfjdnsmcksmsm]

quick tagless rant because I don't want to annoy my Friend (vent!!! Could possibly be triggering, talk about stress and existential dread)

i am in my last year of highschool, last year was supposed to be my last actually but I had to redo year 11, so now I'm basically all alone since my friends all graduated and I don't have the energy or time to make new friends. Everyone told me I'd be taking on too much this year and I told everyone I'd manage because I have an actual goal to work towards now, not like before and now I have school in the morning and evening classes in the evening, plus having to do family stuff and keeping up with my only friend cus I don't want to lose them too. I genuinely enjoy those evening classes more so than school because it's something I'm passionate about and it's something I'm great at better than most people in the class and I'm also teaching classes on the weekends and on Fridays cus I need the money, so my grades aren't the best but with those evening classes and the school external exam I'd be writing in February I wouldn't even need to go to school but I am cus that's what everyone expects of me and I also kind of want to (just without the stress). I'm just so drained, ever since I started regressing more regularly it has become a bit easier to take care of myself and to make sure my hygiene is better, I eat three times a day, drink enough water because for some reason the reward system that never worked on me before works on little me and everytime I fill up a sticker sheet with all that basic stuff I buy myself a new plushie or something like that. So it's been getting better but that of course comes with the stress of having to hide my regression and only being able to intentionally regress and do "obvious" little activities when I'm home alone, which is basically never cus I'm basically never home and if I am I'm either getting ready for bed or on the run. O know I took on too much but I also don't want to drop all of the things that I'm doing since they're all very important to me I just wish I had more time. Because I'm 18 and the only time I ever go out for fun is to meet up with my friend to watch whatever movie is currently in cinema. I feel like I could be doing so much more if I just dropped one of the things I'm doing, have more space for myself all that jazz, have more time to be 18, time to actually regress properly and enjoy being in that headspace instead of worrying about being found out. But at the same time I really don't want to drop anything of that cus again I love what I'm doing and I'm really passionate about everything I'm doing but I feel like I'm just letting my youth pass by without really being a part of it. But I also don't want to prove all the people who said they know me and that I won't be able to manage or cope right.

If anyone read all this: I'm sorry you had to see that insane rant and may you have a good day <3

[anvoo]

I really don't know what to name these crazy long posts, but hey, let's restart our journal series. 13.09.2023 -

Hey, it's been a while.

I have my little YouTube video open on the side right now of a window and a thunderstorm outside. There was an actual thunderstorm in Aachen where I live yesterday, which reminded me of this.

My sleeping schedule has been really terrible, but in the past few days it's gotten a lot better, and I'm hoping that tonight I'll be able to get some decent rest.

I'm definitely worried about the exams but I'm trying my best to prepare for them.

Mentally I'm not doing great. It's like, I want to write more about it but it just feels overwhelming to do so. There are moments when I'm just really numb and disconnected from everything.

Lio wrote me back the other day, it was nice. He's also really busy and stressed about the exams; this week he's in the Netherlands (I assume with his mom), but he'll be back in Aachen next week.

I fear for my sanity and mental well-being sometimes. I fear my reactions. I guess, it's reasonable to be. You never really know what the future holds or what will happen, but you can somewhat assume or predict what your reactions could be. Luckily though, it is also something that you could influence.

I don't really know what to say.

I feel disappointed in myself. I see no good future outlook for myself. It feels like everything is just fucked and it's all doomed to fail anyways. Why am I even trying, or thinking of trying? Why not just give everything up and die eventually some time in the future somehow? Why not just kill myself now so I won't have to deal with any more suffering?

I miss Cat. I feel like I want to reach out for a distraction, for any semblance of joy or positive feelings, just anything.

It's despair. Why should I try or do anything? It's not going to work anyways.

I have a funny habit of wanting to mark dates and occasions down.

I also feel like, sometimes I try too much to rationalize, to find a reason, to categorize things, my own habits and psyche, included. It makes me feel like a lab rat, like my own research project; it feels dehumanizing and cold. I don't think I am qualified to do so; what are the things that make up "me"? What things are on the list, and if someone has access to that list, would they be able to perfectly understand or replicate "me"? Genetics aside, it would need to be a comprehensive list or collection of all my experiences, feelings, and thoughts, and it would be ever-expanding for as long as I am alive. I am the only one (at least for now) who has access to those information, albeit pretty poorly recorded and a lot of data's just been lost, but even with all that information, I don't think I am, or pretty much anyone is, able to accurately categorize me, or confidently say that I am "something". It's all on a spectrum anyways. I don't think it's pointless to try and find patterns or reasonings behind a person's actions or thoughts (all the personality tests also), but take it with a grain of salt.

I am a "procrastinator"; I am "validation-seeking"; I am this, I am that,... Some parts may be true, some might not be. It feels limiting. Demoralizing.

Let's try not to take things too seriously or let it get to us too much.

It makes me happy to see that pink italics text. Even though it is just me typing those words and changing the format, it feels different. It's like me, but from a more objective point of view, as a friend. I do miss him. He's helped me through a lot of things, and I'm glad that he's around now, and always.

I'm happy I could be here also for you ;)

You know, about Cat right. I am happy that I genuinely love and care for her. I feel like my thoughts and actions showed that, and I am proud of myself.

That's good :) You know that she loves and cares for you also. You're special to one another.

Yeah ;) When she's going through difficult phases in her life, it's harder for her to show me the affection and care that she has for me, but that doesn't mean that it's not there. I know that I am special to her and that she wants a future together, and so do I. I really cherish the affection she's given me; it truly means a lot.

But, that's also only a part of my life. I think that sometimes, I try to work on myself, try to get hobbies and habits and this and that, so that I could supplement and add to my romantic relationship with Cat, but I don't think that's a very sustaintable or nice way to do things.

I want to be happy in my life. I feel like, these things should point towards me at the end. I want to do well in my studies and later career so I'm financially independent and stable; I want friends for many many reasons (friends are nice); I want to get in shape cause it just makes me feel way better about myself (physically and mentally); I want to be more mentally well and emotionally attuned (to be able to manage my reactions and handle what life throws at me); I want a cute girlfriend/wife that I love (cause that adds to my life).

It's good that you want that. But let's get some rest for now. You got a lot of exam prep tomorrow, and also to look a writing some more about goals and such no? Revisit the little diagram thing.

It's time for sleepo yeah. Thank you for being around!

Always, and you're welcome ;) I love you man.

I love you too bro. Goodnight!

Goodnight!

[anime-corner]

I'm Here | Oikawa T.

A/N: Hey guys! I'm back (hopefully for longer since classes are about to end). Anyways, this one's a bit shorter than usual. I hope you like it!

"Yahoo! Knock, knock~ Sorry, practice finished later than usual!" Oikawa called out but was only greeted by darkness, "(n/n)-chan?"

The house was still, not a single noise was heard. Oikawa doubted that you would leave without texting him, it was practically tradition to crash at your place every after school. He looked around, stealing a loaf of bread before heading upstairs. Dim lights could be seen from under the closed door as Oikawa turned the knob, inviting himself in as usual.

"Hey, Iwa-chan told me that-- what are you doing typing, er writing, whatever it is you're doing in the dark?!" He bellowed, flicking the light switch on. A hiss escaped your lips as you momentarily closed your eyes to adjust to the lighting.

"Shut up, Tooru. I'm kind of busy at the moment so if you don't mind, I'd like to finish all of this tonight." His eyes glanced over at the stack of papers on your left as your right hand hovered on top of another, gripping on a pencil tightly. Your left hand was typing away as fast as it could.

"What's all these? Haven't you finished the assignment yesterday?"

"Well, yes but, this one's for the student council. I need to file a report and it needs to be passed at midnight." You then gestured towards the paper, a bit crumpled with the many times you wrote the wrong formula, "And this is for Monday's class presentation."

"And these?" He pointed towards the stack of papers.

"That's…" You blinked a couple of times before responding, "I think it's the ones from the council three days ago that I haven't checked yet. Anyways, I'll handle that after I'm done with this."

"How many hours of sleep did you even get?" He asked.

"What? I don't think my sleep schedule has anything to do with this, Tooru." You answered, not taking your eyes off of your work.

"Just tell me." Oikawa insisted, sitting on your bed as he stared at you.

"Fine. Around two or so? I'll give it a three since I've been running on coffee since I woke up." His brows furrowed, worry etched on his face if only you took the time to look at him.

"That's not good, (n/n)-chan. Come on, I'll finish that." You shook your head, still not lifting your gaze away.

"No way, you had practice just minutes ago! I'm perfectly capable of finishing these within the day if you just so let me. Now shush-- hey!"

"I mean it, (y/n)." You huffed as you glared at him, "You need your sleep. I'll wake you up before dinner."

"What? No! I can't, Tooru!" You protested, standing up from your seat as you felt a slight pain from your head. You shook it off as nothing, "Tachibana-sensei's breathing down my neck saying she'd be the reason why I wouldn't be graduating this year."

"You still have a day to go before classes start again on Monday. You don't need to rush everything today--"

"Haven't you been listening? The report is due tonight. These," You gestured towards the stack of papers, "Might as well be due at the same time. And after this one, I've also got to revise my notes. I'm falling behind, Tooru and I don't want to hear anything from my mother once I move back."

"You won't (y/n), trust me. You're the smartest girl I know in school and probably the busiest one. I'm sure she'd be proud of you--"

"You see, that's not enough. I need to get my grades up, a bit higher than now." You countered. You retorted, huffing in annoyance at how the setter wouldn’t leave you all alone.

"You don't need to. What you need is to calm down a bit. You know that--"

"Will you stop it, Tooru!? You just don't get it, do you?! My parents thought that I would get into Shiratorizawa and what did I do? Fail the exam!" You bellowed, standing up from your seat as the male stepped back a bit. You stood up, voice raised as Oikawa stepped back, "My mom wanted me to at least be at the top during my first and second year, to at least in her words, redeem myself. But I failed on that too. Now, you're telling me to calm down? To take a break? Well, I can't. I've got my family's voices screaming at me saying I should do better! Do you know how--"

"You're crying, (y/n)..." Oikawa whispered as he placed a hand on your cheek, his thumb wiping away the tears. You lightly pushed him back, rubbing your way with your sleeves. He pointed out. A hand lay on your cheek as his thumb wiped away a tear, you pushed him away after, wiping it away with your hands.

"S-shut up. I'm not crying. Just… leave me alone for today, Tooru. I'm really busy and I can't afford to let all of my hard work turn to dust."

"I'll help you."

"For the last time, I--" He cut you off.

"Just let me help!" He was already frustrated seeing the girl he adored so much struggling with her life.

He knew of her problem with her parents and most importantly, he knew the conflict she had with herself. He knew that feeling more than ever. And he didn't want her to feel the same way he did during that time.

And he was afraid that, while it might not cost her a knee, she might lose so much more if she continues. Perhaps, her eyesight or her health. Worst case, her life. And he wasn't going to let her get to that point.

"If Iwa-chan was here, he'd know what to do… but he isn't. And I don't want to disturb him too. I'm just trying my best to help you, because I understand, I understand you the most out of everyone," He walked closer, enveloping you in a hug as the two of you sat on the floor, "You just want to prove something but, you're all fed up about everything. You're trying your best but I guess, to others, that's not good enough."

Tears slowly dripped down from your face once again as you buried your head on his chest, gripping on his jacket, "Why can't you leave me alone, Tooru? I don't care if you get me��� I just want to be left alone."

"I'm staying, (y/n) and that's final. I'm not going to let you carry that burden all by yourself anymore. I'm here, remember? I'll help you," Oikawa whispered in your ear as he caressed your back, "You're, besides Iwaizumi, the one I treasure the most. I care about you and I don't want you to suffer like this when I know that I could have tried and saved you from it."

"Why?" That one question made him silent for a while as you looked up at him.

"I… it's because…" He sighed, making you somewhat dread and anticipate the answer at the same time, "I love you, you know that? And while this might possibly be-- ah, who am I kidding? It's the worst time possible to tell you this, I don't think that I'll be able to get another chance like this."

"T-Tooru… I…" You started but went silent as he brought his hand up.

"Please hear me out?" He inhaled before opening his mouth again to speak, "I… I want to support you (y/n), the same way you and Iwaizumi did all these years, especially during the time when I overworked my knee. The two of you were always there. So, let me be there for you too."

"It's just not easy when you've been doing everything yourself for most of your life…" You gulped, avoiding his gaze as you clenched your fists tightly.

"I know. But, I really do love you. And I promise that you'll never regret choosing me unlike how I regret eyeing up girls when I knew that you were right in front of me the whole time and they'll never be you. They'll never be as hardworking, caring and overly kind as you. You're perfect and so much more. Because everything means nothing to me if I can have you to call as mine." Oikawa said, moving a strand of your hair away from your face.

"Even the nationals?" You asked, teasing him a bit.

"I… okay, maybe not the nationals. I still want to beat Ushiwaka and all. But that's besides the point," He shook his head, placing his chin on top of your head, "You're amazing and beautiful, even when you think you're not. And I'm really sorry for confessing at the worst time possible. But, believe me when I say that I love you."

"Why are you… confessing now?" Somehow, this question made him think. It's not like he hadn't practiced his answer in the mirror for a million times, making sure it was perfect to his ears. Not at all. But, given the situation, he'd have to abandon that script and start a new one.

"Well, it just pains me to see you doing the same things I did before, even though your academics and my career as a player are two different things, and I thought that if I manage to successfully tell you how I feel, I could somehow help you carry all of this. Because by that time, I would hopefully be your boyfriend." Oikawa spoke genuinely, moving one of his hands from her back to her head, stroking her hair.

"You don't need to be my boyfriend to help me, you know."

"I know that but you just make it so difficult, argh! Everytime I see you frustrated, I just wanna hug you and kiss you and then take over your work while you rest. But I can't do that as a friend! So… so..." Not that he thought about it, what he said sounded stupid, "Yeah, I know. It's a dumb excuse."

"You're an idiot." The third year laughed out loud.

"I know, Iwa tells me that all the time." You lightly hit his shoulder, hiding the smile that was threatening to show, "At least I made you smile right?"

"I guess you did, Tooru. I guess you did." He hummed in satisfaction before something else you couldn't quite figure out what was etched on his face.

"I'm not going to force you to answer my feelings right away, (y/n)-chan. I can wait." He stammered.

"Why wait when I feel the same way? I love you too, Tooru." He perked up suddenly, making you hide the massive blush on your face.

"Wait, really? You're not joking right? (y/n)?" The setter found you fast asleep, whether or not you were faking it, he wouldn't know. He only chuckled, kissing your head, "Alright… I'll let you get some rest. You deserve it."

He carried you over to your bed, tucking you in. His hand lingered on your cheek, a smile on his face as he whispered.

"Dream of me will you, (y/n)-chan?" Oikawa stood up straight, eyes darting towards your mess of a desk, "Now… which one did she say she needed by midnight?"

Let me hold your hand and carry the same burden you hold. I'll always be here, even if you push me away.

[loosesodamarble]

How about Lorelei for the character ask? 😁 Or if it's supposed to be just BC characters, then how about Finral?

Sun... You… 😳 You want to ask about an oc of mine? 🥺😭 (Don’t worry, those are happy tears!)

Of course I'll answer about Lorelei (and Finral)! I genuinely didn't intend for anyone to ask about my ocs but now that you have I just gotta do it! I really don't talk about my other ocs too much (which is my fault as their creator) so thank you for giving me the chance to just go all out!

..........

Lorelei Koascky

How I feel about this character: Lorelei's concept was one of those "my brain grabbed this and won't let go until I give it attention" sort of ideas. Her concept is basically a combination of Genya Shinazugawa from Demon Slayer (character who can't use the series standard power system and adds a gun) and Izuku Midoriya from My Hero Academia (character not born with power is a fanatic over powers). I do wish I came up with more ideas regarding her interacting with other characters.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: None! Lorelei is asexual and aromantic. Her one true love is magic.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Her and Julius have the ultimate magic-loving friendship. Julius would go wandering around Clover finding new magic and then when he comes back to Lorelei, she'll geek out over it too and probably write a ten-page essay about the mechanics and theoretical applications of it.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Not enough people know about her for there to be popular and unpopular opinions but here's something I think people would disagree with: Lorelei is just like Asta, with no capability for magic. I think some people would be upset with making Asta less special but I think it's important to Lorelei. Even if she can't use any magic, she loves the concept and how it exists in the world.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Uh... How do I address this question with an oc? Oh, how about I share something about how they affect canon? For Lorelei, she'd be watching the Magic Knight Entrance Exam and when none of the captains raise their hands for Asta, she goes "no takers? Okay, hey kid why not work with me?" Asta proclaimed he was going to be the Wizard King and she points out that she works directly with him so it'd be a great opportunity. However, Asta still ends up with the Black Bulls because he wants to help people as a Magic Knight. Even so, everyone else present is a little more aware of Asta because one of the Wizard King's close associates made an offer to him and not Yuno with his four-leaf grimoire (there was less opportunity but you get the idea).

My OTP: Lorelei and Julius. Strictly platonically. Julius needs a co-worker who will enable him.

My cross over ship: Let's see Lorelei meet Lady Nagant from MHA. Not romantically but I'd like to see them doing target practice together. And heck, Lorelei would totally be down for learning about Quirks. They're not magic but they're just, if not more, interesting.

A headcanon fact: Or just a fact since I created Lorelei. If I were to write a more complete Black Clover fic involving my ocs, I would definitely find a way for one of Lorelei's guns to end up in Asta's grimoire. She wouldn't even get mad because "oh my gosh that grimoire just absorbs things?! 🤩 And I have a student for gunmanship?! 👀” Also, gives her even more reason to want to research the grimoire. It's one thing for Yuno's grimoire to be able to absorb the spell used to summon the wind spirit. It's another thing for a ragged and peculiar grimoire to absorb a whole physical item!

.....

Finral Roulacase

How I feel about this character: Finral is very funny and likable. He’s a comical loser but in a way that makes me sympathize with him. He can be cowardly and brave. And his struggle to connect with Langris is touching. I want a friend like him in my life.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Finesse mainly. Little bit of Yami because it's popular with a couple friends.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Vanessa. They are the elder siblings of the Black Bulls and their teamwork at Seabed Temple and the Witches' Forest was really cool. Also, he needs to be friends with Nacht so they can vice captain the squad together. I also have him being friends with my ocs Helia and Josele, though the relationships are wildly different.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Finral is… kind of useless. Most every mage can use a broom to fly places and others have spells for traveling or mobility. Sure transportation spacial magic is useful for fast travel but it’s not any good for traversing to new locations, which standard mobility spells can accomplish.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: We recently got more reconciliation, and even teamwork, between the space bros. I just wish it didn't end how it did, that being too soon.

My OTP: Finral x Finesse. They're both such sweet people and Finral's humorous determination to be good enough for her really did endear me to him.

My cross over ship: I can’t really think of anyone. Sorry. 😔

A headcanon fact: He knows how to cook. Before Charmy came along, he was the main chef of the Black Bulls. He's decent enough, can get a nice sear on a steak and make good sauces. Nothing too fancy but he's better than just toast and cereal.

[sasarahsunshine]

[This is the same person that send the ask about stuffed animals]

You have so many stuffed animals I love that. This makes me feel so safe because I just thought people don't have stuffed animals when they grow up anymore. (My friends don't although they don't mind mine and say my bed is the most comfortable out of all of ours because it has some in it). Thank you so much for sharing those pictures.

About therapy: I don't know how it is the US but where I come from a place in therapy takes so long to get. I am on a waiting list with multiple offices for months now. And it's really discouraging to know that it will probably take more months. I had so many appointments that cost me so much bravery to go to to even get on those waiting list. I am glad I took that step but I know I won't get help before finishing my A-Levels (it's the degree you need to study in my country) which could cost me so much in my future if I fail those. (They take three years I am in my third. I started the third three days ago). My teachers are actually the ones that pushed me to do therapy because they can't give me any accommodations regarding the exams which I fail mostly because of panic attacks while everything else I hand in is never less than 10 points (which is comparable with the grade B in the american school system I think?) but no matter how much I hand in to cancel out the fact that I don't speak in class (I can't speak to strangers really and teachers are definitely on that list, I can't explain it really, I won't be able to breathe and I just can't speak no matter how much I try) it's not weighted enough to cancel out the exams not mentioning the finals. My english and german teachers who are the sweetest souls think I would do great A-Levels even though I lost so many points through the last two years already if I could get through exams.

So maybe this sounds a little bit naive or like I don't care enough about my A-Levels (which I do I would love to study, I want to study forensics or english or even history I am not sure yet but I don't want to stop at my A-Levels) but like I already said you confirming me that it's okay to have my stuffed animal with me takes worries and guilt of my shoulders that I have every morning I put it in the inside of my pocket. I didn't know it was okay and I started crying at the pictures of yours because that is such a nice collection. I am sorry to dump this all on you but I am just really thankful right now. Like genuinely really really thankful. This is a huge deal for me. I am very grateful you understood it as such, it means a lot to me. You deserve all the love in the world.

I do have a lot of stuffed animals! I used to have more, but over time (moving from place to place), I've had to get rid of some. I like to think I'm slowly rebuilding my collection c:

Don't feel sorry AT ALL for "dumping" this stuff on me, hon! It sounds to me like you needed a place to vent and get all of your worries and fears out, and I'm glad that you felt safe enough to do so with me. I'm glad that you saw my posts and that they helped you, and I'm extra glad to know that your friends love you and help you too (I bet they're jealous that your bed is so much nicer than theirs, LOL)! <3

I will admit that I don't 100% understand what you're going through with school, since 1) I know it's different here in America and 2) I haven't been to school since 2012, so a lot of emotions/feelings of stress over tests and studying is rusty to me. But I'm glad to hear that you have teachers who believe in you! Hold onto them, and confide in your friends/family/teachers when you can, okay? You'll get through this!

(and hopefully, it'll be easier now that you don't feel that guilt or those fears anymore about having your stuffed animal with you when you're in public <3).

I'm sorry that it's taking you so long to see a therapist, but hopefully, you'll get there soon. It takes SO MUCH strength and bravery to finally seek out help, so I am SO PROUD of you for trying in the first place!!

I love you, okay? You're super brave and amazing and smart! And you've been through SO MUCH! You're incredible, and you got this! <3

[shiro-0197]

It's okay 🥺🥺 I'm sorry for taking almost a week grr. Happy March!! I've just felt really cruddy these past few days and barely had the motivation to reply messages. I hope it gets better soon. Thank you for being so patient and waiting, though :)

haha you already saw it. It wasn't much, but I hope you smiled ^^

That's truly so precious!! My friend sent me a picture of that frog cake you were talking about and I thought of you haha. I want to bake something too, but I'm fasting (for religious purposes) so I suppose I'll do that after it's done.

yes!! next year will be better. Don't worry, I don't think there's any harm in thinking positively. I won't be in school anymore, next year, so that's a great comfort :> how's school for you?

That's so adorable, I'm sure your hair looks really fluffy when you wake up. 🥺🥺🥺 (Just imagining it makes me smile) I just woke up a while ago and now I'm gonna study.

aaah poor thing 🥺🥺 everytime I look at these hard topics it's like ariana.exe has stopped functioning 😸👍 but I've been studying a lot these days so I hope I can understand those topics.

thanks for the offer, love. And yesyes I'll start on Saturday. I hope it goes well.

Aww I'm glad it was able to cheer you up. You're so precious, I hope you're always happy.

How cute 😭😭 your teachers really do love you ❤️ that sounds like a really fun barbeque thingy (if I read it right?) did you guys play games and stuff? also, did you meet Kuro? :)

AHH me? everything's somewhat okay here, I mean, I'm having difficulty with emotions (big-time) now. It's like I'm totally regressing and I can barely feel anything sometimes. It's so scary. Sorry for rambling. I just ;-; I don't know, because my life has become so monotonous these days, it really saps up any energy I have. The only time I catch myself smiling or feeling stuff is when I'm watching anime. I started a new one called High Rise Invasion (and it's really good! gives me AiB vibes.) so although I probably shouldn't waste my time not studying, I make sure to watch an episode a day, at least, 😅

I love you, Shiro. You really mean a lot to me and I'm really glad we've been able to stay friends for so long. You're so precious to me, you truly are, and eventhough I have trouble with emotions sometimes, I never do with you— because I know I love you. I don't ever doubt it.

—Ari

It's alright!! I'm also sorry, we were having huge internet problems because of the weather^^""" Happy March to you too!!! And happy late women's day, too !!♡♡ also, its alright, I know how you feel~ I really hope you're feeling better now!

Oh I loved it, honestly it was sooooo adorable and I cried🥰

Ahh I see, I really hope it turns out well if you do!! Send a pic I wanna see😛

School's going pretty well, I am glad that I get to skip the unit/chapter exams. For some reason our school still makes us write those. And they take up 50% of our grade !!! Its painful. But the term exams are going well, I havent gotten anything below 85% as of now which makes me happy :DD what about you, how's it going?

Same same, I literally feel my brain loading and an error showing up after. I really hope this will end as soon as its damn possible because honestly i just want to get over this😭 But that's so cool, I love that!! I hope it's getting easier for you

Yeah it was fun!! We did play some Uno, and Mafia. I'm glad I never got a single role because honestly I'm way too obvious and dramatic when making my choices during the game😝 Sadly we didnt get to meet in person, but I saw him on the zoom camera hehe🤭

Oh god, same. Emotions are so goddamn difficult and I genuinely have no idea how to handle them. But it's alright!! It's better to give it time and maybe distract yourself. I dont know if that's a healthy coping mechanism, but it does help me in a way? But I'm really so sorry you're going through that difficult phase:( it's honestly the worst. Also, I heard of that one!! Couldn't get to watch it yet, but I will whenever the internet issue is fixed. Nowwww life doesn't have to be all about studying, ey? Dont call it a waste of time, being entertained is important for ur happiness😙

I love you too!! Thank you so much for keeping talking to me even though i take ages to answer😢❤ Also your words are making me melt I am so happy I make you feel that way!!! You're really one of the most important people to me, thank you for being my friend🥺🥺💕💕

[inktae]

It's hard to write but I really love it, and I try to focus on the love and satisfaction I get from posting, but it's getting harder and harder to keep up my dedication to it jdjdjdj. I usually write around 20 k for my long scenarios, which take SO long, and recently I got a lot of hate for one fic (I won't say what it's about bc people will know it me) and it was genuinely a mistake I made and I felt so down. I don't want to rely on my follower count or notes on my confidence [2]

but I just can’t stop it. I’m only 16, and this is my escape from the stress of exams and it’s just so upsetting to feel like what I’m writing isn’t good or important. Idk, im sorry for being such a downer but it was really bothering me ;; Your writing is beautiful btw, and reading really helps to inspire me and get me back into writing. I hope you have/had a good day:) [3] 🌷

ahhh sadly I only got these two parts and tumblr ate the first one, sorry about that :(

well, you said it yourself, you are only sixteen and still learning, it’s okay to feel like writing might be draining you too much. it can certainly be time consuming, depending on how much dedication you put into it. if you are too busy, have you thought of approaching writing in a different way? you don’t need to push yourself into writing 20k fics, you know! it’s okay to only write shorter, lighter pieces for a while, at least until you feel more motivated to write something longer. we all go through different situations and we all dedicate a particular amount of time to writing, and it’s not your fault if you can’t keep up with long stories or complicated plots. some writers will pull out a 40k fic in a week and others will only be able to write 3k and that doesn’t mean one is better than the other. those are just external factors that have nothing to do with talent or the quality of the story ^^

don’t worry about making mistakes (dude, that’s good! learning from past errors is better than not learning at all), and don’t strive for perfection. I think one of the first and most important lessons we have to drill into our heads is that seeking perfection will only make us frustrated and bring negativity into our lives, because it simply doesn’t exist. always strive to be better, but remember that there will always be room for improvement. you are still so young to be taking your writing so seriously, so just… enjoy the ride. practice and learn and make mistakes. the rest will come with the years and the wisdom you gain with time, believe me. :)

[humanitys-shortest-sassmaster]

Dumb relationship rant, sorry this won't be regular

So the other day my almost 25 year old boyfriend was asked to leave a language class by a teacher Apparently the reason why is that the teacher asked the class to do group work on something, and he said no She told him to do it and he said no again, saying that he doesn't like teamwork She let him do it for a few minutes and then eventually told him to go home because it was disrespectful to her and the other students He started ranting to me about it and how the teacher is crazy and loves being in authority But like... I think he's being a huge fucking child. He doesn't have social anxiety or any of that, he just simply doesn't want to work with other people, even if it's filling out a worksheet. I said I was sorry that happened, and he said, "But I know you're not on my side anyway." And that really angered me. I wasn't on his side, but I didn't want to not support him when he was frustrated, and so I pushes my own thoughts aside and was supporting him and he passive aggressives me. Just last week he had an issue with the same teacher, he made a mistake when writing kanji, and she told him to write it 4 more times. Which yeah, sounds kinda bitchy of her. But then he sat there and said no. She told him to and asked him why he wouldn't and he said because it was stupid, and he won't do anything that's stupid. Additionally, just before that he was angrily told by his landlord to throw his trash away using the proper bags designated by the city, which you can buy at any convienence store in the area, and they cost like $1-4 for a big pack of them. And he told me that now because that guy was rude he will never ever buy the correct trash bags. I told him that he could start using them once he finishes his current pack, and he said no, it's stupid. I told him to be careful because there are stupid rules in Japan, and as a foreigner you can be subject to more criticism over them, and that if his landlord is a really big ass, he could potentially be evicted if he doesn't use the correct bags. Boyfriend said "I don't care, it's stupid." "But being evicted over that would suck, and I know it's stupid, but wouldn't that be even more stupid? You'd have to move back to the guesthouse and you hated it there because of the stupid people." "I don't care." And I know they're small things. I know I create issues in the relationship with my poor communication, and I fully take responsibility for that and have been doing a good job in recent weeks changing that, even he's commenting on how I'm doing better. But I just absolutely have not been in love with him at all for the last like 1+ year of our relationship, and I keep trying to push aside things that bother me. Things like all the passive aggressiveness towards me if I let go of his hand for a while while walking, absolutely no sexual attraction or satisfaction in the relationship due to him basically wanting me to be a dominatrix when I am absolutely not lmao and he goes I'm absolutely into being submissive but he said I don't know what I want, (lol aight) and the bizarre demand that later when I'm working I need to take two weeks off and go meet his family and travel with him. When I told him that I can't just take 2 weeks off for fub, especially considering it'll be a new job, he basically demanded that before my free flight benefits end in April I have to fly to meet his family with him before then. Like I am just REALLY not happy being with him, and future stuff doesn't look good either. He's studying Japanese for fluency, but even after almost one year of intensive study he can hardly say an extremely basic sentence. He's now saying he wants to go to university in Japan and signed up for an exam at one of Japan's top most difficult universities next year, even though his Japanese is extremely basic now, and his academic background and transcript is very poor. He skipped almost an entire year of school because he didn't feel like going, and got a lot of bad grades in what I think was French remedial or alternative school. When I say that he'll need to study for the actual tested content on the university exam, which are famously difficult, extremely intelligent Japanese people study incredibly intensely for months or years before taking it, especially considering its one of the most difficult schools in Japan, (and it's a private school and he has extremely little money, I don't know how he expects to pay???) And he says he doesn't need to study for it. He says all he needs to study is just Japanese himself. (Which will require a metric fuck ton of studying considering he struggles to even order at a restaurant or at Starbucks and can't understand convienence​ store questions like would you like another bag, would you like this heated, do you have a point card...) And I try to help him with the university stuff, because I did graduate from a top Japanese university and kind of know a bit of the ropes, but nope, he says all he needs is one more year of study. It's additionally frustrating because his English is poor too. As someone living in another country speaking another language, I complete understand and sympathize with the struggle because I experience it in Japanese. It didn't bother me at all for one year, and then more recently it's starting to frustrate me, because we just can't properly communicate anything. And I'm sure it frustrates him as well, because I absolutely know the feeling of frustration of not being able to say something in another language even though IT SHOULD BE THERE IN YOUR HEAD. But he always says "Ahhh I can communicate so much more and be so much funnier and cooler in French" Which I did believe and sympathize with. But I really am realizing that other French people don't really like him. He'll consistently make a new French friend for a week or a month or so, and then will tell me that the person is a jerk and went to a party or something without asking him. When I suggest that maybe he should try asking the other person to hang out, he says he doesn't need a friend like that, and then (super cliche-ly) "I don't need friends." I do understand the struggle of making friends with other people because that was basically my entire high school life and dealing with bullshit people. But I still had just a few close friends in high school, and internet friends. Once leaving high school i have a ton of friends, I'm not super crazy close with every friend because I do often have antisocial tendencies, but I'm on good terms with all of them and don't have trouble making plans with them. But what worries me about him with friends is the inability to keep friends. Because he makes new French friends often. But literally every single one after a time reportedly don't want to hang out or be friends with him anymore. He has one friend who he is still friendly with in France, but my boyfriend said they aren't really close at all. My boyfriend has said, ever since the relationship started "oh once you start to know me better you won't want to be with me anymore, because everybody does that" I always ignored it because it sounded so cliche and edgy that it was difficult to take seriously, but he seems to almost take pleasure in stuff like that. He used to often say 'oh one day I'll tell a joke but you will think I'm serious and will be mad at me' and I'm like, no shit that happens with literally everyone person at some point. Well, eventually I happened. Except he wasnt telling a joke, he said something pretty rude or inflammatory to me in order to start a fight. I immediately warned him not to start with me, which followed with 'lol, I was just joking!' which we all know is what people usually say to cover their own asses and make the offended party look bad. Then he immediately goes on with "SEE???? I told you that one day I would tell a joke and you wouldn't know it was a joke!!! I knew it would happen! See I know these things!" And going on like that for five minutes, which was pissing me off more because he was gloating about it and was clearly not joking. So this is all obviously a big ass rant. I know I cause a lot of big ass problems in the relationship, mainly me not always messaging him enough and not hanging out with him enough, which then makes him jealous, so he'll accuse me of cheating, which I absolutely have not done and never would, and then he's told me he's sent me pictures of himself with other girls in an effort to make me jealous, and then was angry when I wasn't jealous. But.. the reason why I didn't always message him every single day (fixed now) and don't hang out with him as much as I should (partially financial, he lives about $60 round trip away) is because I just genuinely don't enjoy being with him. A couple of months ago I wanted to break up for many of those reasons, but didn't because I didn't want to let some dumb short term feelings of negativity in the relationship end things. But nothing has changed since then, and I think I'm even less happy now, despite fixing a few of my own personal issues and issues in the relationship... Just Lord What do